Question
I’m worried about my mother. My Dad died three months ago and since then her emotions have been a rollercoaster. Some days she cries and can barely get out of bed and other days she tells stories about my dad that have my brother and me in stitches. It’s the down days that have me most concerned. I often wonder if she is really depressed. How can I tell the difference between normal grief and something more serious like depression?
Answer
Losing someone you love is very painful. And the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People experience all kinds of difficult emotions and it may seem like the pain and sadness will never go away. It’s normal to feel this way, but there are ways to tell whether or not a person is coping with the loss or if they are getting stuck, and potentially depressed.
Grieving is a highly personal and individualized experience and there is no “normal” timetable for healing. Since your father died three months ago, the fact that your mother is still grieving is quite typical.
What is normal about losing a loved one is that the person will feel a variety of emotions, and they will have a mix of good days and bad days. Grief can make a person feel sad, guilty, anxious and fearful. It can also include physical symptoms like nausea, insomnia and weight gain or loss.
In addition, when people are grieving, they can have moments of pleasure or happiness. You mentioned that your mother will tell funny stories about your dad. Reminiscing about a loved one after they have passed helps your mother maintain a connection to your father, and solidifies in her mind the meaning of their relationship. Both are a natural part of the healing process.
Grief can be a rollercoaster and this is what distinguishes it from depression. If your mother is constantly feeling empty and full of despair, overcome with pervasive guilt, or can’t function at home or work, it is an indication of something more serious and it may be time to talk to a mental health professional. However, if her mood vacillates between sadness and an ability to perform normal daily activities, she is likely experiencing the typical ups and downs of grief. Support her, and enjoy her stories about your dad. They will likely help you with your grief as well.